A waste of space indeed

*msn: do not disturb…i am studying…

(Before we begin I must point out that MSN nick was typed by Boyfriend, hence the unforgivable non-capitalization of ‘i’...)

Today Boyfriend and I were discussing the current situation of a mutual friend. Not to give away too many details, for fear of identification, and possible, well, “unhappiness”, on said party’s behalf. Suffice to say, this person is one of the most brilliant people (sometimes I think the devil is involved…and then I have to resist the urge to ask for his number) we have ever had the good fortune to befriend.

This is the kind of person you would vote “Most Likely To Succeed”, clichéd as that may sound, the kind you wish your children would someday marry. (After all, someone once told me that you should always pick someone smarter than you as your life partner to ensure your offspring be, consequently, smarter than you as well. Considering the very obvious flaw in that statement, I assume that this means roughly half the population should always be kept in ignorance of this statement. Please check to ensure you are not one of them.)

However, (and this is where the fear of negative repercussions set in), however, this does not seem to be the case as yet. To be sure, said friend is in a stable, suitable job, with above-average pay. (I would kill for a job like that.)

But it’s hardly change-the-world stuff now, is it? And I was in the midst of loudly proclaiming as such to Boyfriend, jabbering on (as usual) about the total waste of potential it was, when my dear friend Irony came up and (again, as usual) poked me in the eye.

I mean, literally, poked me in the eye – caught myself on the edge of my file in the midst of violent gesticulating while lying on the bed.

Ungraceful antics aside, this was my International Finance lecture notes file, which I’d been trying (I cannot emphasize this word enough) to read and finish before the 8^th, i.e. the exam.

Needless to say I hadn’t gotten very far. And I guess that statement could be applied to my entire academic career from the moment I entered university up till now and to the end of this time-wasting entry.

I don’t think I’m a stupid person. (Feel free to disagree, but I’d probably just ignore you.) There is no humble way to say this, but I’ll try – I could do so much better if I’d only stop trying and actually did something.

And then it occurred to me as well that for all that time, I’ve been blaming everybody and using anything as an excuse for failing to achieve, well, pretty much anything.

My parents wouldn’t let me pursue the degree I wanted to pursue. (Not that I even knew/know what I wanted/want to do.)

I don’t think academic results are as important as some people make them out to be. (Classic sour grapes.)

I crumble under the pressure of high expectations. (Pooh on me. Too lazy to rise to meet them is more like it.)

My dreams just aren’t academic-oriented. (To be perfectly honest, they aren’t anything-remotely-close-to-work oriented.)

And the list goes on.

Thinking about all this…I feel sick. The utter lack of gratitude to my parents, the non-existence of self-respect and the complete waste of my life is just appalling.

APPALLING.

The only person to blame for my gross underachieving is me.

Me for being too lazy to do anything that sounds remotely challenging.

Me for not having the self-discipline to stop reading bloody books and TV scripts and blogs and other pointless piles of words which will still be there when my exams end.

Me for not accepting the fact that I’ve grown up, dammit, and I should start acting my age.

I mean, look at what Boyfriend has to do to my MSN nick to get my attention (and stop others from paying attention to me).

I don’t have the right to say anyone hasn’t fulfilled their potential, because I’m so far gone I probably don’t have any left.

In fact, I don’t have the right to ignore people who think I AM stupid because let’s face it, I am.

Maybe today’s ‘epiphany’ of sorts won’t drastically make me into some ‘uber-nerd’ overnight. Maybe I’ll still slack off and probably I won’t do as well as I can in my upcoming exams.

But at least I had it. And I’m writing it down for all to see. So even if I forget, maybe someone will remind me.

Because today should be the beginning of the end, and I want this to be true so badly that it hurts.

I have to apologise for all the clichés because I hate them too. It’s just that…look at the time…