Short respite from a long hiatus, and a lesson learned

*msn: In need of self-esteem.

Is it not strange, that we (or most of us at least) are never happy with ourselves?

That it is inherent in us, to see only the bad about ourselves, the good discounted?

That we can and do see the little flaws, the imperfections, the little, minute scars that only we know, letting them build, grow, and overrun us with insecurities, horror, and utter self-loathing. That it simply becomes so, monstrously overwhelming, that all we can do is cower and shrink and try to hide away, muttering, in masochistic reinforcement, hushed and crazed – I-am-not-worthy-I-am-not-worthy.

That we say, so easily, so glibly, so light-heartedly “Oh, she’s beautiful, I hate her” and secretly mean it.

That I say, to myself, without even thinking (and then you wonder how I say things to myself without thinking them, aha), “Oh, I am not beautiful, I hate me”.

It’s not just me. Right?

Anyway, lesson learned (I hope.):

Not to cut off half my hair in hopes of Cinderella-like transformation despite various (and I do mean various) past experiences as evidence that the utmost and extreme contrary will instead occur.

Grow, damnit!

Yes, yes, I will write more soon. Job-hunting is a dismal, and decidedly uninspiring process I only go through because the prospect of being penniless is much, much worse.