A Post-it for my brain

I don’t think a day goes by, maybe two, when I don’t wonder why.

Conversations and casual mentions would have reminded me of the past, if it had ever been forgotten.

The boy who wanted me, but not the way I wanted to be wanted.

The girl he could’ve had, he should’ve had, but didn’t.

The boy who liked me, but simply not enough.

So the questions, question, really, is never really answered, not to satisfaction. I want (have, need) to believe it’s possible – that Boyfriend really loves for all the right reasons, and for none at all; that there is no settling, or resignation, no taking in his stride, no what-ifs, no if-onlys, no buts or maybes or oh-well-sighs.

Time and time and time again faith fails and questions asked again, with patient, unwearied answers, which alone is half the reply I need to hear (again). The now is littered with cracks into the then which I slip between, returning with renewed doubt, fuelling the incessancy.

But today, today I looked out the window at a foggy, mist-softened morning, sunrise more glow than light, and smoke that rolled lazily across trees and buildings, hesitant to rise. It reminded me, then, of a similarly clouded sunrise that peeked around a building wall, that a boy and girl watched together for the very first time, and I smiled.

I need more moments like this; if not for my sanity, then for his.